A Rose By Any other name...

... would still smell like a rose. A thing is defined by its nature, not its name. Conversely, calling skunk cabbage "swamp roses" wouldn't do much to alter the stench.

Which is why the upcoming film featuring Robert Downey Jr. might be entertaining as all hell, but it won't be about Sherlock Holmes.

First, some background;

Sherlock Holmes is the fictional character created by Arthur Conan Doyle in 1887. In his first adventure, A Study In Scarlet, we learn a great deal about this unusual hero, as Doyle sets up the world inhabited by Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson.

Watson, initially, is shocked by what Holmes doesn't know:

His ignorance was as remarkable as his knowledge. Of contemporary literature, philosophy and politics he appeared to know next to nothing.

Holmes himself explains these particular gaps in his knowledge:

“You see,” he explained, “I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort that he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has a difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones.”

He is also described by other characters in the story:

“Holmes is a little too scientific for my tastes — it approaches to cold-bloodedness."

But it's after Watson reads an article in the paper that we learn what Sherlock Holmes purports to be:

“What ineffable twaddle!” I cried, slapping the magazine down on the table; “I never read such rubbish in my life.”

“What is it?” asked Sherlock Holmes.

“Why, this article,” I said, pointing at it with my eggspoon as I sat down to my breakfast. “I see that you have read it since you have marked it. I don’t deny that it is
smartly written. It irritates me, though. It is evidently the theory of some armchair lounger who evolves all these neat little paradoxes in the seclusion of his own study. It is not practical. I should like to see him clapped down in a third-class carriage on the Underground, and asked to give the trades of all his fellow-travellers. I would lay a thousand to one against him.”

“You would lose your money,” Holmes remarked calmly. “As for the article, I wrote it myself.”

“But do you mean to say,” I said, “that without leaving your room you can unravel some knot which other men can make nothing of, although they have seen every detail for themselves?”

“Quite so. I have a kind of intuition that way."

Doyle referred to Holmes' occupation as "consulting detective" and "armchair detective." Most of his work was cerebral, although there were occasions where he visited the scene of the crime himself.

So what am I fussing about? An article in the New York Times, describing the new movie titled "Sherlock Holmes," starring the aforementioned Robert Downey, Jr.

Sure, he will still be smarter than everyone within a three-planet radius, and he will retain his uncanny ability to intuit whole life stories from the tiniest speck of dust on a shoe. But he will do those things while being a man of action, a chaser, shooter and pummeler of criminals — “like James Bond in 1891,” Joel Silver, one of the film’s producers, said last fall.

Don't get me wrong: I enjoy James Bond as much as anyone. But when I want a Bond adventure, I turn to a Bond story.

It gets much worse:

Lionel Wigram, who conceived the story and is also a producer of the film, said that reinventing Holmes as an action hero made perfect sense. “I never agreed with the idea of the fairly stuffy Edwardian-type gentleman,” Mr. Wigram said. “It wasn’t my idea of Sherlock Holmes.”

First, Sherlock Holmes was a Victorian gentleman, and in the original stories he was far from stuffy. But Holmes would not have been at all impressed with James Bond. The entire point of Sherlock Holmes is to have a detective that relies more on logic and knowledge than physical strength to solve crimes.

Second, no one gives a shit about Lionel Wigram's "idea of Sherlock Holmes." He didn't create him. Sherlock Holmes has remained popular for over a hundred years; when Mr. Wigram has been selling books, records and films for that long, his opinion on the subject might possibly gain some merit.

Susan Downey, a producer on the film and Mr. Downey’s wife, said Holmes is “a bit of a ladies’ man, a bit of a brawler,” adding: “He has a gambling problem. If you’re a Sherlock Holmes fan who is in love with the original stories, then you’ll appreciate him.”

Those of us who are fans of Sherlock Holmes understand that Holmes was neither a womanizer nor a gambler. And while it is certain that Holmes could carry his own in a fight, it's out of character for him to look around for brawls as a form of amusement.

The thing is, we don't need anyone to re-invent Sherlock Holmes. Arthur Conan Doyle gave us all we ever needed for him. If you're going to make a movie about Sherlock Holmes, you'd damned well better stick to the history. We don't need re-invention. We need re-discovery.

And we need considerably less of these Hollywood assholes debasing perfectly good stories so they can brag about how they pissed all over it to give it their own stench. If Wigram wants to invent an action hero set in Edwardian or Victorian England, then that is what he should do. He shouldn't steal someone else's signature creation for his movie and give us something entirely different.

I have no doubt that it will be an entertaining movie. But if you're putting Sherlock Holmes in the title role, I'd better get Sherlock Holmes, and not some testosterone-crazed poser.

Breaker, Breaker; The Snowman is 10-7.

Jerry Reed, who played Burt Reynold's sidekick in the "Smokey and the Bandit" movies has died at age 71 of emphysema.

Reed had been a country music star before taking on film. He'd won a Grammy for "When You're Hot, You're Hot" in 1972 and had numerous hits, starting with "Guitar Man," which was later covered by Elvis Presley. Presley had problems getting the right sound, and Reed eventually came in and played for The King.

As Reed recounted:

"I hit that intro, and [Elvis's] face lit up and here we went. Then after he got through that, he cut [my] 'U.S. Male' at the same session. I was toppin' cotton, son."

He collaborated with Chet Atkins on two successful albums, Me & Jerry, and Me & Chet.

Reed appeared on numerous TV shows and several movies before making the classic buddy film. A favorite on The Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour, Alice, and even an episode of The New Scooby-Doo Movies. He had his own show in 1978, the short-lived variety show, The Jerry Reed Show.

Jerry did several movies with close friend Burt Reynolds before The Bandit movies, including Gator and WW and the Dixie Dancekings.

Reed had originally been cast as the Bandit, when Hal Needham let Reynolds read the script. Burt liked what he saw, and his presence kicked it up from a "B" movie to a mainstream release. The addition of a few more stars guaranteed a wider release, and the film became a fan favorite.

Reed eventually did get to play The Bandit in a later sequel. He wrote and recorded the movie's theme song, East Bound and Down, which also made the charts.

Those of us of a certain age will always remember Reed best as Cletus "Snowman" Snow, the wisecracking trucker, and perennial friend of The Bandit.

The Snowman is 10-7 and on the side; all you good buddies put that hammer down and mind them smokies.

Go SPEED RACER, GO!

Let's face it, this movie has gotten less than stellar reviews; it's been called a flop, and some people even claim that the Wachowski Brothers have lost their touch.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong wrong.

The Wachowski Brothers got it exactly right: this is exactly what a movie based on SPEED RACER should be.

The story, the actors, the design team - they captured the very essence of the anime that hooked me as a kid.

Some reviewers complained about the blaringly bright palette used by the design team; the Racer home is a blaze with color, in endlessly distracting patterns. But it took me right back to my sofa, back in the mid-60's. Suddenly, I was six years old again. 40 years melted away as I bounced on the seat with anticipation. I cheered when Speed gets through with the Mach 5. I laughed as I saw the villians get what they deserved. I groaned as Sprytle and Chim-chim got themselves into another mess trying to feed their greedy hunger for candy.

This is the real thing; a highly-stylized world that isn't anything like ours, and yet mirrors parts of it. Inspector Detector seems to have been pulled out of an early James Bond movie, and the Mach 5 has more gizmos than any bond film. This is the grandchild of Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang. THIS is why we love Speed Racer.


Now, I won't say that the movie is perfect; nothing ever is. I did feel that the grand prix racing sequences at the end were some of the weakest scenes in the movie. Racing is not about speed as much as it is control, and the Mach 5 is shown spinning wildly out of control through most of the race, although somehow it always manages to be at the right place at the right time.

But believe it or not, Speed Racer has never been about racing. Sure, there's a race in every episode. But those episodes were not about the race, they were about what it takes to win the race. And that's not having a fast car and a lead foot: you succeed only with the support of your family and friends. A cheater may win an occasional race, but they will never be a winner.

While the Mach 5 is fast, and its gizmos clever, Speed must figure out the best way to employ speed and guile. He has to consider possibilities. And he must have help. In this movie, as in the series, the importance of family is the most important trait of all. He only triumphs when he lets his family and friends help him. Singly, Team Racer has its flaws; together, they are unstoppable.



As in the series, the family is shattered when oldest brother Rex Racer leaves the family racing team to strike out on his own; an angry Pops Racer roars "If you walk through that door, don't ever come back!" But Rex is determined to be his own man, and walks out into the obligatory dark and stormy night.

Rex does not come back: his family watches in horror as his car is consumed in a fireball during a road rally race.

Ten years later, Speed is offered a chance on a larger, better-funded racing team. As Speed leaves the house to give his answer to the sponsor, Pops again meets a son walking out the door, but this time he reflects on the past. "Son, I didn't lose Rex on that race track ten years ago; I lost him right here."

He tells Speed how proud he is of him, and that whatever he chooses, the door will always be open. He has found the true place in his sons' lives. It was a great performance by John Goodman. Susan Sarandon as Mom Racer is the great peace-maker, who recognizes her son's talent and defends it tooth and nail and feeds it plenty of PB&J sandwiches.

And I have to say, Christina Ricci simply blew me away. I've been a fan for years, but I kept forgetting that we were watching the girl who played Wednesday Adams up there on the screen. She's always done great work, but this is the first time I have only seen the character she is portraying.

Her Trixie is just as bright a ball of positive energy as her animated counterpart. It's difficult to play such a positive character without coming off as, well, cartoonish, but Ricci pulls it off masterfully. As portrayed by Ricci, Trixie is absolutely devoted to Speed, but isn't some simple-minded seat-cover. She's smarter than he his, and strong enough to keep up with him. This Trixie is no damsel in distress; she's a liberated woman of the twenty-first century.

And frankly, she's never looked hotter.

If you liked Speed Racer, if you're a fan of anime, you should see this movie, and see it on the big screen. Screw the critics. They obviously weren't there on the couch in front of the TV taking on the Monster Car.